A Mom's Thoughts...

A Mom's Thoughts...
A few days ago, I returned home from a conference in Sopron, Hungary. It was our mission's annual conference, and this was the first year in this city. Previously we were in Budapest, Hungary; Frankfurt, Germany; and Halle, Germany. Each was an experience, but this years' held particular concern for me. This year, I would be "on my own" for most of the time, since Kelly was still in the US. This year, too, would be the first time in over 2 years that I would see a fellow missionary with whom there is some conflict. I was not looking forward to this conference as much as I had to those in the past.

I did have some wonderful times seeing friends from all over Europe, but it was odd. Like I said, Kelly was not with me, so I really got a sense of what it can be like to be a single woman on the mission field. I mentioned to one friend, who is single, that I had thought that there was this network among them, sort of sister-hood, and that they all made plans ahead of time so that they would not be so alone. I was wrong. They do look out for each other, I have seen that, but they aren't always "included" at a certain table for meals. I came away with a greater awareness of that, and I do hope that next year, I'll make the effort to include them, both the ones that I know as well as those whom I do not.

But, as I alluded to, it was a very difficult time for me because of this conflict. I am a peace-maker. When I know that there is some sort of tension or problem, I want to fix it. I want resolution. I don't like "open-endedness" and fuzzy boundaries that come with the situation in which I find myself. It is not a fun adventure, that is for sure, but I hope that I am learning through it, something about myself, as well as about other.

One thing that I have learned is that not even missionaries are always honest. This person had told me how much they appreciated what I had done, been doing, so I figured what I'd been doing was a good thing. Later, much, much later, I was told that what I had been doing had so traumatized this person that they were unable to function the rest of that day. Hmm, what to believe?

Perhaps the worse part, though, is the unforgiveness. To me, this is not acceptable. As a person of faith, a lover of Jesus, I know that forgiveness is key to my very life in Him. Without forgiveness, I don't know what I would do. As part of my being forgiven, I have no option but to forgive others when they offend me, whether they ask for forgiveness or not. But what do I do when I ask for forgiveness of a fellow Christian, a fellow missionary even, and the response is that of "I need to pray about it", and hear nothing on it for years? What do I do when I again ask for forgiveness, only to not get a response, except through various channels and to be told that the response was one of anger? It is not a fun spot to be in, but ...

And this is where the life of faith gets really interesting. Do I have enough faith to trust Jesus with this person? To trust that He really is in control, knows my heart and the other person's, and will indeed, work all things out for my good as it says in Romans 8? Do I really trust Jesus to heal my hurt over this situation, and move on, press forward, continue to do what He has called me to do, even though this person won't forgive me? (Note, I say won't. This person can, we all can, it isn't easy, but forgiveness, like love, is a choice!) My answer to that is Yes, I can trust Him. I can rest, knowing that He loves me and the other person, and will continue to work in both of our lives until there is at least some resolution.

Hmm, there is more I'd like to say, but this is becoming a novel and not just a blog. But there are days ahead, and I even have some ideas floating around my brain for future posts. Live the life, take the risk on the adventure....